Patter O'Donnely

From Plastic Tub

American. Born December 25, 1969. He arrives on the high wire, taut and shivering. He is blinded in the spot light. He receives his diploma - from the school of hard knocks.

Hop on Pop

Son of Ryan O'Donnely and heir to the O'Donnely's Ribhouse and Honkytonk chain, the rise of Patter O'Donnely reads like your father's dime-store pulp novel. Surly and impetuous in his youth, Patter's life turned weird when he discovered his father's dismembered body and duct-tape sealed limbs lying on the spotless floor of a restaurant deep freeze.

Tagged with intricate scribblings and laid in triskelion repose, his remains suggested execution by The League of Men with Fancy Gloves; no emblematic red glove was found, however, suggesting a frame-job. His death was the subject of intense national curiosity due to the unusual circumstances. The media circus went apeshit when the young Patter started appearing in public wearing a single red glove and carrying a ouija board; on the other hand, respectable media outlets seemed pretty confident in reporting that Patter's glove was not taken from the crime scene -- it was, in their opinions, just a lonely cry for help.

Goodnight, Moon

Patter's distraught mother sent him off to Vienna under the apparently delusional belief that her Austrian cousin would see to his care. She did not, in fact, have a cousin in Vienna. Patter spent the next several years living on the streets of Europe, delving deeper in the shit until his nineteenth birthday found him peddling his ass for dope.

Or so the story goes. International tabloids spent months speculating on these "missing years" -- but truth be told, there's very little known of Patter's life from the time he vanished into a Viennan alley way in 1986 until four years later, when he surfaced in Nottingham, England, pulling at least five street children out of a smoke-filled tunnel beneath a burning lace factory -- saving their lives.

The Chicken or the Egg?

Hailing young Patter as a hero, the newspaper stories eventually made their way back stateside to his still distraught mother, finally leading to a mother-son reunion.

1990 saw Patter step forward to helm the O'Donnely chain. He proved to be a brutal business competitor, and the O'Donnely chain rose from near ruin like a phoenix.

Potbellied Pig

Despite his business successes, Patter's "missing years" years continue to be the stuff of tabloids. In addition to the tales of dope and ass swapping, persistent rumors of bizarre occult affiliations hound the still young Patter today; some tabloids have even suggested that the pimply, young, depressive Patter has somehow channeled his father's ghostly spirit. Patter seems to enjoy the attention and has sparked further gossip with such bizarre restaurant promotions as the Son of Choco Dolls and his O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats.

[edit]